I am not coping.
I get so so angry all the time.
Poor A cops it. She can't seem to do anything right.
I am seeing a psychologist every week but I feel like I need more help.
Thinking about starting antidepressants as soon as I can get an appointment. I need more help than she can provide.
She thinks I am too hard on myself. That I try to do things perfectly while making them look easy.
She is right.
I am exhausted.
Monday, 23 July 2012
I am not coping.
Tuesday, 10 July 2012
Oh i forgot to update about my Mum. She went in for the operation to remove the cancer today. Not sure when she will find out how it went. I wish I could be there to help look after her. Even just bring her a cup of tea. My Dad seems to be taking good care of her though. My whole life he never took a break from work, but he has taken a week off to look after Mum. How sweet :)
Monday, 9 July 2012
This will just be a quick dot point post as i am trying to get a little man to sleep.
* Ethan is growing like a weed, he is huge. Everywhere we go he gets told he is a big boy.
* At his 2 month check, he weighed 7kg (15lb 7oz I think) and was 59cm (23.5 inches).
* He is now wearing size 00 clothes.
* He loves his sleep, and he gets very cranky if he doesn't get it when he wants it.
* He is very stubborn. If he wants you to hold him in a different position, he will wriggle and clutch at you and whinge until you hold him just the way he wants.
* He has the cutest sneeze ever. Before he sneezes he does this "uh... uh..." then sometimes a fake sneeze, then after he has sneezed he yells "arhhhhh". Makes everyone giggle. One day I will catch it on video.
* Yesterday I bought some new bras, I have gone from a 12C before pregnancy to a 10E!! Yikes.
* I know I haven't been around, I have an excuse... Postnatal depression. Lucky me huh. I am thinking of making this blog more about me and my struggles with PND. I need to get it all out sometimes and this might be a safe way for me to do that.
Here is a bunch of photos for your patience. I can't work out how to put them into the post so I think they just show up at the end. First is one month then the second with the same teddy is two months. The rest are just random ones I have on my phone.
Thursday, 31 May 2012
Yesterday I got a text that scared the shit out of me.
"I need an operation as I have cervical cancer"
My Mum has had some "lady problems" for a while now, she has been seeing doctors but has not really told me much. Yesterday she got this diagnosis.
I think she is in denial a little, either that or she is just being super positive. She doesn't seem concerned at all, in fact she told me she feels relieved as now she has a reason for a lot of her issues. She is having an operation to try and remove the cancer, she seems confident they will be able to get it all.
Meanwhile, I am terrified. She lives around 2000km away so I hate that I can't just pop round for a coffee and give her a hug and have a chat. I worry so much about what I will do if it turns out to be advanced and doesn't go away after this operation.
Then I worry for myself. My grandma died from cancer 11 years ago. I'm not sure where it started but I know it was in her fallopian tubes and spread really quickly. Lots of other family members have had tumours etc.
Cervical cancer has really good survival rates so I guess I need to just think positive.
You know what the worst part of this is? When I told A's sister about the text (she was the only one around), she said "oh she's probably just exaggerating". Lovely.
Thursday, 17 May 2012
Wow, I can't believe my little boy will be a month old in just 3 days. Before I know it he will be a teenager!! We had him weighed yesterday, 4.6kg (10 lb 2 oz) so he has put on 1.4kg (a bit over 3 lb) since we left the hospital 3 weeks ago. What a chubby bubba :) Right now he is sleeping on my chest, so gorgeous!
He has been a bit off the last couple of days, he has been spitting up a lot (like 3-4 times during the one feed), plus has had green poop (sorry!), just seems to have trouble going and has a bad happy rash. It went from tiny to all over his bum in a few hours.
We took him to the doctor yesterday, but that was a waste of time. It wasn't our normal doctor because it was short notice. The doc didn't seem to believe me about the green poop, just saying its unusual for brestfed bubs to have green poop. Umm yeah that's why we went to the doctor!! He just said to come back in a week if he isn't better.
Things aren't all bad, he has started to smile a lot more. Even though they aren't really proper smiles they still make me happy. He has sort of laughed in his sleep a couple of times too, which is soo cute! He rolled onto his side again yesterday, definitely on purpose this time so I guess its official. I didn't know they could do that so soon!
Not much else is going on around here... A has gone back to school and work so I am home alone a lot more. Its hard because sometimes Ethan just won't settle for me but as soon as I hand him to his Mum, he calms right down. What am I supposed to do when she isn't here?!
We got some professional photos taken a couple of weeks ago and A's Mum paid $200 towards them as a mothers day present for us - so sweet! Here a couple of photos that we have taken over the last couple of days plus a professional family one.
I really wish the photographer had reminded me to suck my belly in! I am not used to having such a jelly belly and now I feel kinda self conscious knowing how big and icky it looks. It is slowly shrinking though so I guess I shouldn't whinge too much.
Saturday, 12 May 2012
Wow haven't I been slack!! Little man is now 3 weeks old - I can't believe how fast it has gone! He is starting to look like a little person now, instead of a baby (babies all kinda look the same to me lol).
He is also starting to show his personality to us. He has earned the nickname Squeak, because he makes the cutest little squeaky noises. We also love his sneezes. I have yet to get it on video yet but after he sneezes he makes this really frustrated sounding "Arghhh" noise. Gorgeous!
I don't want to jinx anything but things have been going so well. He is sleeping pretty awesomely! He goes down around 7:30pm, wakes up for a feed around 3am and 6:30am then sleeps right through til 9am ish.
He is a pretty sleepy bub and has only just starting having alert moments through the day. Yesterday we had some tummy time and he managed to roll from his tummy to his side, then from his side to his back. A was sooo excited and thinks we should write it in his baby book. I'm not sure if it counts because he didn't really do it on purpose? Sorta like how you don't count wind smiles as real smiles lol.
Then later, in his portacot (while wrapped!!) he rolled from his back to his side. So I don't think it will be long before he starts doing it on purpose.
He is still feeding like a champ (my little booby monster). A has started giving him a bottle of expressed milk once a day, which they both love. Doesn't seem to have interfered with breastfeeding which I was a little worried about. He is putting on a ton of weight. Haven't weighed him for week 3 yet, but so far he is averaging a weight gain of 500g (a bit over a pound) a week.
I am still quite sore, my poor nipples are so bruised! He sometimes tugs on them or pulls off really suddenly and painfully. I found a blood blister on one the other day, which explained a lot. Its gone now so I feel much better, but before that I would be in tears when he latched on to that side.
My stitches on the other hand (yeah I tore, forgot to put that in the birth story!) are all healed, yay.
Oh also, if I even have any readers out there, I need some help with expressing. I don't seem to have it quite right yet. I have to lean forward on a really awkward angle for the milk to go down the little chute. Bury it gets really painful after a few minutes. And I don't seem to be able to get much milk. Its like the flow stops and starts, and I only manage to get about 40ml from each side, which is nowhere near enough. How long are you supposed to pump for? Any advice or tips would be appreciated!